Update: Aiden's Party

So as I said before, my youngest son has a birthday party coming up. I was worried from the start about people coming to it. It is at the beginning of the school year. He is very shy and it takes him awhile to make friends. I had the phone numbers of a few of his friends from last year, but have had very little luck there. One of them, the phone number I had has been disconnected so I went through the school only to find out that he had moved. Another one will be able to make it, but for just a short time because his brother's birthday party is on the same day (which we will be going to after our party). Now the other child I had a phone number for... I spoke to him mother via Facebook about two weeks ago. She said she did not know if he could make it because her son's birthday was around then and they did not know what they were doing. I then asked her if she was going to do a party because if so I could change ours to the next weekend so we did not have competing parties. At that point I could have changed because I had not sent out invites yet. She never responded. So we went ahead with our plans. Yesterday I contacted her again on Facebook to invite her son to our party. She tells me that he can't make it because her son's party is on the same day around the same time!! GRRR I asked her remember?!? So now I understand, in part, why we have had not even 1 RSVP for my son's party. A kid who has been at that school much longer and has a lot of friends is having his party on the same day at a fun place! I have now had to explain to my anxiety ridden six year old, who is OMG excited about his party, that we only have one of his friends coming to his party for just a little bit and a few of his brother's friends. This made me, and him, so sad. I had to break his little heart. This party thing is just too stressful. Next year we are doing it differently for sure. However, this year there is nothing I can do now since we already have things set in motion and a few people coming. So we explained that even though there would only be a few kids that we would make it the best Star Wars party ever! His brother was surprisingly helpful with creating excitement about all of the cool things that would be at his party. So there it is. 

Week in Review

So the kids started school last week. I think it went well. My oldest is in third grade now. They consider this a transition year so they kind of change classes throughout the day. They switch between all three of the third grade classes for different subjects. It is taking some getting used to for him. He is my worrier and is worried about keeping up with three teachers worth of assignments and homework. I know he will do just fine. He is such a good student and adapts so well. Last year he had straight A's all year long!

My youngest son is now in second grade! He is excited about having the same teacher this year. His first grade teacher moved up to second grade and he got her. He is such a shy boy and has a hard time getting comfortable with new people, it takes awhile. So he is starting off the year with a sense of comfort and confidence that I have never seen. It is amazing what a little familiarity will do for him. The second day of school, he walked right up to a kid in his class and said "hey, you want to be my friend?"! I was amazed. This is the same child that spent 3 months last year trying to jump in and talk to classmates.

We have his birthday party coming up. We are doing a pizza party at the house. We did the same for my oldest back in March and it was a huge success. So now my youngest feels like that is the bar, or maybe I do. Invitations were sent home with kids last week and so far we only have a few kids coming, and only one of them is a friend of the birthday boy. I am so scared that we will not get any of his classmates. He will be so upset. It will break my heart if he is sad.

It is time to start patching his eye again. We were waiting to get the patches in, but also to let him adjust to his glasses again. He tried it on this morning ad it fits well and is easier since it does not stick to his face, but it will be hard to get back in to. He could hardly see when we covered the good eye. Which is the whole reason for doing it in the first place, but still makes it hard. 

His Little Eyes

My youngest son will be seven in a few weeks. Since he was around 14 months old he has been wearing glasses. He has Strabismus, meaning he is cross eyed in both eyes. He is far sided, had an astigmatism in both eyes. He is red/green color blind, and has no depth perception, meaning he can not see in 3d and can only see in the direction he is looking. He also has Amblyopia. That is where his brain is ignoring one of his eyes and only focuses on his right eye.

For the astigmatism and the farsidedness he wearing glasses that change about every six months in strength. For the Strabismus he has had botox injections in both eyes, and then finally eye muscle surgery. For this they had to remove his eye muscles and reattach them so that they were aligned. Although they could slip again at any time, his eyes have remained straight since then. It has been two and a half years since the surgery. Depth perception develops at around six months of age with straight eyes. With his eyes being crossed at the time, he did not develop it and never will. You only have one shot at that and he missed the boat.

As for the red/green color blindness, there is really nothing we can do about this either. He sees color, but not in the same way we do. He has learned with repetition that we call red, but what we see as red he sees as green. All of the colors look different. Everything is dull an he can not see different shades of colors. Fortunately he was born with this so does not know any different.

Now as for the Amblyopia....we have been doing patch therapy. We put a patch over his good eye for a few hours at a time to force him to use the bad eye. The hope is that if we do this for long enough we can retrain his brain to use that eye as well as the other. We have been patching for six years now, with no luck. This last appointment I finally asked the doctor if we were going to fix this problem. He told me that it is possible, but more often than not, no. He said that eventually we would give up on that eye and stop patching. This will happen in a few years. At that point the eye will continue to get worse until he goes blind in that eye.

This has hit me so hard. I keep thinking about his life and what this will mean for it. Will he be able to drive? What kinds of jobs will he not be able to do? Will this be a disability? There are already things now that he can not d, like sports. I just can not believe how many problems his little eyes can have at once.

One good thing did come from his last visit. The doctor turned me on to a website that makes cloth patches! They slip on right over his glasses and we can reuse them over and over. No more sticky bandaid like patched that hurt his face! I am so excited, and so is he. It is Amblyopia Awareness month! Help spread the word about the disease and help to stop the stares! If you use patches or have a child that uses them you should check this site out!

www.patchpals.com

Then and Now

My son was talking about learning how to tell time on an analog clock. I was telling him that when I was a kid there were not digital clocks. That set us off on a conversation about how things were "back then".


Then......

Now....

Then....

Now...

Then....

Now....

Then....

Now....

Then....

Now.....

I remember having t wait while the movie rewinds, playing mario for hours because you couldn't save, blowing on my Polaroid picture to dry it, carrying a quarter in my pocket in case of an emergency, and having to go to the library to look something up. 

The End of Summer

The past few weeks have been kind of busy. First we went to my husband's family's house for a few days. t was our end of summer visit. It was nice to see everyone. Then we went to my parent's house. We just gt home last night. It was great to see them. We try to do a visit at the beginning and at the end of summer. Now that my husband and I share a car I do not get to take the kids as often during the school year. We will not be able to visit again until January. That is when we do a holiday visit. Anyway, now we are home and getting ready to start the school year. Today is orientation at the school. We will bring supplies and meet the new teachers. Then they start school on Wednesday. The summer actually went by fast this year. I am sure I will blink and this school year will be over too. Every year, faster and faster. Now it's time for early betimes, EARLY mornings, school lunches, and homework. It is also the signal that the holiday season is right around the corner. Soon it will be time for Halloween costumes and turkey and Christmas trees. Where does the time go? Although I am not wishing time to go by faster, I am looking forward to cooler weather, open windows, hot chocolate when the kids get home from school, and of course.... pumpkin spice everything! 

My growing babies

I read a post on another blog that I follow this morning. It really got me thinking. It was about kids growing up and moving into new phases. She spoke a lot about her five year old who is almost too heavy to pick up anymore. She talked abut how this will signal a new chapter of parenthood. She is right. I realized that without knowing it my oldest son crossed that thresh hold. I can not remember how long it has been since I have been able to pick him up and hold him. He cuddles with me on the couch every so often, but no longer can I pick him up and wrap my arms around him and hold him. He is not little anymore. He is growing up so fast. Every time I blink another year has gone by. He is now 8 years old and getting ready to start third grade. My youngest is also growing quickly. He will be 7 next month and starting second grade this year. He is on the small side so I am still able to hold him somewhat. I treasure that so much. There is nothing like the feeling of your little ones arms wrapped around you with a big ole smile on their face. They are happy and safe and I am happy. Very soon he too will be too big to scoop up in my arms. Treasure every moment you have with them because before you know it they are big. 

Losing your Love

Our neighborhood is full of a small town community feel. Most of us know each other somewhat. We exchange homemade goodies around the holidays. We collect packages if needed. We share good news, and bad. Across the street from me lives and elderly man, he recently turned 80. He and his wife have lived in that house for 47 years. His kids went to the same school that my kids are going to now. They were excited about becoming great grandparents soon. One day his wife was ill so they went to the doctor. Turns out she had stage 4 cancer. It had spread throughout her body including her lungs. She remained in the hospital for about a week and then they brought her home. There was not much they could do. So they had hospice care come in and he and their two children took care of her round the clock. After about two weeks I saw an ambulance arrive at their house. She could not breath. She remained in the hospital for a few days before being transffered to a nursing home. They tried, but it was just too much to care for her at home. Her body shut down and she passed about a week later. It was all so sudden. I thought so much about their family through that time. I was so sad for them. I kept thinking how fast it all was. In a matter of a month she went from fine to gone. Now I think about him a lot. They had been married 50 years! Can you imagine? It still blows my mind that my husband and I have been together for 10 years. What do you when you lose your spouse of 50 years? Now I watch him fill his days with yard work and errands and his new great granddaughter that was born a week after his wife passed.

Women's 400m

So a new controversy within the Olympic wins has arose. Last night in the women's 400m Shaunae Miller dove over the finish line to beat USA favorite Allyson Felix. Is that allowed? The rule states: "The first athlete whose torso … reaches the vertical plane of the closest edge of the finish line is the winner." Well I suppose it is legal, but I don't think it should be. I think once your body is down on the ground then that should be it, you are out. Although, the NFL has a similar rule when it comes to touchdowns. when you are running for a touchdown all you have to do is get the ball to touch inside the orange pilon. You don't even have to cross. That being said Allyson Felix did win the silver medal making her the most decorated U.S. female track athlete of all time. Way to go Allyson!! 

Storm Pictures

When I was a kid I loved looking at the clouds to see what shapes I could find. Now as an adult I still love clouds. I especially like it when a storm is rolling in. We live in the mountains now. The clouds look cool rolling in over the mountains.

Kids Today

I can't believe I am old enough to say this, but.... when I was a kid....

I was playing outside! As an adult I love how far we have come with technology, but with the good comes the bad. My children are six and eight. Most of their time is spent on some sort of electronic device. My eight year old is trying his hardest to convince me that he is old enough to get his own laptop. He wants it so he can play this computer game that he can not get anywhere else. I, of course, have said NO! Although he is a good and responsible kid for his age, he is not old enough for a computer. When I was his age I was playing with my barbie dolls in the barbie fold-n-fun house. I was climbing trees. I was digging in the dirt. I occupied myself most of the time, and that was just fine. I was not devastated if I did not have something to focus on for two seconds or if my mother did not spend every waking moment of her life paying attention to me. In school I got on my first computer, on dos. We learned how to make pictures. We learned how to type. I did not get on the internet for the first time until I was about 15 and even then it was this thing to do when all other avenues of entertaining myself had been exhausted. I had a beeper then. A clear purple one that was mostly used for my mom to check on me when needed. She would page me and I would use the change I had to have at all times to call her back, from a payphone! My kids have never seen one. I got my first cell phone when I was about 19. It was a very heavy little Nokia. My 11 year old nephew is about to get his first cell phone. It seems crazy to me. However, if your child is at an age where they are starting to do things on their own then I suppose it is needed. How else will they call someone in an emergency? There are no more payphones. My kids, again 6 and 8, have a tablet, MP4 players, PSP, playstation, x-box, portable dvd players, and a 32 inch flat screen t.v. in their room. When I look at that list I think wow, they are some spoiled kids, but in these days that is just the way of it. It did not seem crazy when we gave them those things. If anything, they are a bit behind as far as what they have sometimes. Fortunately, my kids are appreciative of everything they have. They do not act spoiled, and they still enjoy some simple things. Like movie night with popcorn, little toys from the dollar store, and hot chocolate on a snowy day. I remember the most expensive thing I ever asked for for Christmas was this name brand jacket that everyone seemed to have. I never did get it, and my world did not crumble. The cheapest thing on my son's Christmas list's is usually about $50. It is so crazy to see all of the differences between the generations.

Smells like Mom

I was helping my son who is six. When all of the sudden he stops and says "mommy where are we going?". I say "nowhere baby, why?". He says It is because of how I smell. He starts to tell me that he knows how I smell when we go out and he likes that smell. I realized that he has picked up on my perfume. These are things I just never thought about. It hit me so hard, in a good way though. I thought, this will be one of those things he remembers as an adult. 

Last year my mom gave me a quilt from her house. It is one that I use every time I go over there. I never noticed any smell to it when I used it there, but when I brought it home it was very different. It smelled like my mom's house. Which is not a smell I could explain exactly, but it smells good and like her house. I remember thinking my husband must have thought I was a little bit crazy. For some reason I was so happy that it smelled like mom's house. I would lay down to g to sleep and feel like I was there. The smell faded over time of course, but now that it what I think of when I use it.

So now I think about that conversation with my little boy and think, one day he will catch a whiff of my perfume somewhere, and maybe it will make him feel like home. 

My Not so "Little" Baby

So this evening my oldest son, who is 8, said he wanted to be able to close his bedroom door when he is in there. Now I have never told him he couldn't, but he assumed so, and he has never expressed a want to close it before. I am fine with him closing his door. However, this is just one of many things here lately that signal his getting older. It is strange to say the least. When did this happen? When did my child become "older"? Just yesterday he was a "little kid" who needed me to do everything for him. Now he can get his own drinks. He can make his own breakfast and lunch if he wants to. I don't know if I am ready for this. He wants more control, as he says, over choices. He wants to pick what goes into his lunch for school. I know these seem like small things, and they are, but he is my baby. He knows music that he didn't hear in my car. He has independent opinions about things, including music, t.v., politics, and religion even. What happened? I used to talk to him about Handy Manny and pretty pictures he colored. Now I listen to him having conversations with his six year old brother about God vs. science. I am so proud of him and so freaked a the same time. Here we go into a new chapter. 

More From the Crazy People

This man makes my blood boil. It seems that is happening more and more these days. Where is he getting his information anyway? He must not have any real understanding of social security disability. Does he not realize how hard it is to get? It is a long painful process. One can not simply fake a few documents and receive money. It does not work that way. I have watched my step-father go through it. He is disabled. Once he started receiving it, after only one year he was denied again. BTW you can only apply twice. If you get turned down twice you are done, forever. So he had to fight like crazy to try and get it back. The man who needs help with his shoes was being watched by people in the bushes. They would take pictures in hopes of catching him do anything that would indicate that he could in fact go back to work. Sick! At the moment I do not even know how to respond to the horrific racism that oozes (and anyone who knows me knows how much I hate the word "oozes") throughout his remarks except to say how fitting that his last name be Cotton. Now the crazy and ignorant have a leader, Trump.

Sen. Tom Cotton (R-AR) suggested recently that population decline and drug abuse in poor areas could be the result of too many people on Social Security disability. Speaking to the conservative Heritage Foundation, Cotton warned that communities with a high percentage of residents on Social Security disability had reached a tipping point that was linked to population decline. But he said that communities which used fewer benefits were enjoying a population increase.

“When a county hits a certain level of disability usage, disability becomes a norm,” he continued. “It becomes an acceptable way of life and alternative source of income to a good paying full-time job as opposed to a last resort safety net program to deal with catastrophic injury and illness.”

“And guess which population has the highest number of members on Social Security disability? African-Americans, and typically ones residing in urban areas. In fact, there are widespread suspicions that faking injuries and falsifying documents in order to appear terminally ill is becoming an increasingly popular practice with unemployed and uneducated black people,” Cotton stated.

He also added that African-Americans seem to be taking things even further: “After a number of failed attempts by black people to fake their way into being classified eligible for disability, they have even started resorting to actually injuring themselves severely, so as to ensure and maximize their chances of being able to exploit the safety net that is Social Security.”

“They even have entire groups of people who are former marines, medical staff and other government-trained personnel, and who know how to inflict serious injuries without actually endangering the body’s elementary functions. And that’s just one example of the lengths black people are willing to go just to avoid working at a job. Their laziness must be genetic or something,” Cotton concluded.

My Search - Part 2

So as I posted about before, I have been searching for my birth siblings. Although I was raised as an only child, I am actually one of 8. I have known only one of them, my brother. My birth father had three other children besides me, two boys and one girl. My birth mother had four other children besides me, a boy and three unknown. Also remember that I was adopted by my birth mother's twin sister. So I remained in the family, but do not have much of a relationship with my birth mom.

I started with my birth father's side of the family first because I had a lot more information about him. I figured it would be easier, and it was. It took only a few days before I found them. I first spoke to his mother, my grandmother. That is still strange to say. Then I spoke to one of my aunts. Sadly, how I found them was through an arrest record pertaining to my oldest brother. It turns out he is kind of a mess and I have not spoken to him. I don't know that I will. I don't know if he would be interested. Plus, he is into drugs and I can not invite that into my world. The next brother is doing well. He is married with six children. He is a bit pensive about the whole thing though and I have yet to speak to him. I chatted with his wife a bit at first, but now nothing. I have been told it will take him awhile to come around. I hope he does at some point though. Next comes my sister! I can now say that, my sister, without sounding like I am trying to sound out a word in a foreign language. I have talked to her quite a bit. She is great! We are SO much alike. We were talking quite a bit for awhile, but now it has slowed down a lot. It is hard to turn strangers into family. I figure it will come over time.

Next I started searching for my birth mother's other children. She kept the youngest boy. He is the only one she kept. He just turned 21. I do have a relationship with him, but don't have much info on the rest. All I have is that two were born before me and one after. The one after was a girl and her father was African-American. I don't even have firm dates of birth. So I have added my name to adoptee lists all over. I hit a few dead ends. I did find one girl who sounds promising. She fits the where, the time frame, the sex and race. What little info she has about her birth mother also fits. I reached out to her and we talked a bit online. We were set to talk on the phone, but she got nervous. Now nothing. I told her to call me when she was ready to talk and we could go from there, but I have not heard anything from her. That was more than a month ago.

Well that's it I'm afraid. I have hit a dead end for now. I am trying to save some money to do DNA and sgn up with some of the sites that cost money. I set up a GoFundMe page, but no luck so far. The link is on the right side of my page here. 

Premenopausal Really?

So The women in my family have a tendency to start menopause early, in their 30's. I have always known this, but when I wasn't looking I became that age. I have been struggling with anxiety, but now I think it may be anxiety/hormone imbalance brought on by menopause. I have some other symptoms as well, some hot flashes, and messed up cycles. I just can not believe I am having this conversation. I am 34 years old.

I feel like this may also make the decision for me about having another baby. Not just because my body may not be up for creating one, but also mental health. If my anxiety is being driven to such an extreme that I can not go grocery shopping then what business is it of mine to have another baby? A crying, unpredictable, uncontrollable baby. Hmm.. but I still want one more. I can not seem to get passed that. I have an entire list of cons to having a baby, but I still want to. I am telling myself, almost begging myself to make the responsible choice. That it is not a good idea to strap ourselves financially again. I just don't know. Boy we ended up off topic.

Anyway, I think a new chapter may be starting in my life. Not really a welcomed one, but nonetheless. 

The End of Summer

Wow the summer has gone by so fast. It seems that time goes by faster and faster every year. I remember when I was a kid time seemed to stand still. I used to wish it away all of the time. My mother always told me to enjoy it because as I grew older it would start to fly by. Boy was she right. I was always in such a hurry to grow up, as most of us were I think. Now here I sit in my 30's with two school aged kids getting ready to go back to school. I watch them wishing time away. It seems like I blinked away a quarter of a lifetime. 

When I was a kid and young adult I lived in South Florida. I did not have kids. We did not have seasons. Everything seemed to just flow together. No time of the year seemed to really stand out. Now as a married woman with kids living in Virginia that is all different. There are many parts of the year. We have seasons and with the passing of each one brings a new set of things to do. New foods to make. New clothes to wear. I love it. It is August and we are getting ready for the kids to start school. My dogwood tree in the front yard has some orange leaves on it early. I am thinking about fall recipes. 

I went school shopping the other night. I mistakenly thought if I went to the store late, even on tax free weekend, that it would be less crowded. I was SO wrong. It was like mommy bumper cars in there at 11pm. They need a lot of supplies too. Six of this, seven of those, and so on and so on. I guess I should feel lucky they are still in elementary school. I have some friends with older kids and some of their supplies include $200 calculators! Yikes! I think I am finally done buying now. We have the supplies, the backpacks, clothes, shoes, and lunch boxes. So, are you ready yet? 

Holy Crap on a Cracker!

Ok so Arizona law maker Russell Pearce is...well he is a nut job. That is the nicest thing I can think to say. I do not understand these people who think that poor people are some how less of a human being just because they do not have money. It must be nice to have always had money and everything you needed or wanted right there. I am guessing he is one of the pro-life people I like to refer to as pro-pregnancy because they don't care about life, only pregnancy. Once a child is born they do not care about the feeding or educating or caring for medically. I think the genes running through him do not need to be replicated. Sick, just sick.

The far-right former lawmaker who helped push Arizona’s “papers please” immigration law has resigned as a top official with the state GOP after making comments about sterilizing poor women. The state Democratic Party recently highlighted comments made by Russell Pearce, a former state senator, on his radio show. Discussing the state’s public assistance programs, Pearce declared: “You put me in charge of Medicaid, the first thing I’d do is get Norplant, birth-control implants, or tubal ligations…Then we’ll test recipients for drugs and alcohol, and if you want to [reproduce] or use drugs or alcohol, then get a job.”

Several days later, commenting on his statement which caused widespread public outrage, Pearce stuck by his position, saying he didn’t understand  “what all the fuss was about,” adding “I was holding back pretty hard when I said what I did.” Asked to elaborate to see how far he would go, the former lawmaker argued, “Finding employment as a condition for having children, using alcohol and drugs is not even half of it. Right now our biggest problem are food stamps and that’s the part of the story nobody seems to want to deal with.”

“A lot of lazy people seem to have mistaken the government for a charity. That’s not how things were meant to work,” Pearce said. “And food stamps are draining the budget faster than it takes a drunkard to kill a bottle of whiskey. And this is not the case with Arizona alone, this is going on nationwide. We need to put this under control or else we’re looking at bankruptcy. And everybody is making jokes about it instead of trying to find a solution. Well, I have.”

Pearce then went on to explain how “we need to limit food stamp access to women who have been sterilized,” and how “that’s the only way of separating the ones who are willing to work for food from those who aren’t.” Asked whether that means women will, effectively, be made to give up the prospect of having children in the future simply because of the fact that they’re poor, the former state senator replied, “In order to be able to feed a baby, you first need to be able to feed yourself. That’s a pre-requisite in this case. What can I say, there’s no such thing as a free lunch.”

“Bottom line – if you want food stamps, you’re going to have to be sterilized,” Pearce summarized his proposition. “Of course, there’s also another aspect to this, perhaps even a more obvious one. If you’re already poor enough to be looking for food stamps, that means you’re incapable of being successful in our society for whatever reason. And if you’re unfit to be productive, and this might sound a bit harsh, but the fact to the matter is, we don’t need those kind of genes. We don’t need any more lazy people, so it’s actually a good thing you’ll have to be sterilized. Look, think of it in terms of being able to have all the unprotected sex you want without having to worry about pregnancy ever again. I’m telling you, it’ll be a hoot,” he concluded.

Sports Fans

                            Summer Olympics in Rio 2016


I really like the summer Olympics. Swimming and gymnastics are my favorites! So far we ave done well. Micheal Phelps is picking up right where he left off. America's favorite, Gabby Douglas, may have some competition this year. Simone Biles is awesome! So far USA has 12 medals including 3 gold medals. The very first gold medal was won for target shooting by a girl from right here in Virginia!


                                     

                                          FOOTBALL TIME


Football is back guys!! This is the one sport I follow. Our very first pre-season game will be this Thursday!! Our very first game will be the Washington Redskins vs. the Atlanta Falcons! Now I am a Kansas City fan and our first game will be on Saturday @ 4:30pm against the Seattle Seahawks! I can't wait!

Home Sweet Home

This weekend my husband ad I went to his family's house for the weekend. We always try to see his family and mine before school starts. We used to live with his family. Going back there was like stepping back in time. It was very nice to visit with them. However, it made me really look at where we were and where we are now. Only a year ago we lived in that tiny trailer with 4 other people. So there were 8 of us total. It was crowded and loud and hectic. We had no space or privacy. Now we live in our own home, for the first time as a family. We have space for all four of us. We can be a family. We can make choices based solely on what is best for our family and what we want to do rather than on whatever best works for a whole household full of other people. It was a long weekend, but nice to visit. I am glad to be home, in our home. 

What We Pass On

When I had children I knew that we would be passing on a piece of ourselves. I remember wondering what color eyes they would have? What color hair would they have? How tall would they be? Would they be smart? Would they be athletic or artistic?

I never thought about bad traits. I always thought about the good ones. The funny ones. The silly ones. I didn't think about passing on my neurosis. I never thought I would pass along my fears. I most definitely didn't think I would pass along my anxiety. I never thought about how I would deal with a pint sized version of my anxiety riddled self.

I find that my anxiety has grown over the years. When I was younger it was mostly just worrying all of the time. It was little OCD's that I did not always understand. I remember feeling like I must be crazy. I hid these things from people for so long. I was the strong one. I could not show anyone that I was not always so strong. That I worried about every little detail so much that it was crippling at times. Now as I get older all of the hiding has built up on me. It rears it's ugly head as I grocery shop with the kids. Or as I do the laundry. All of the sudden my heart is pounding and I am short of breath. Or maybe on nights when my husband is working late I sit waiting for him in the quiet. After the kids are in bed I sit and listen to every little sound wondering what it is. Then the worst scenario pops into my head and plays out like a movie.

Now my six year old little boy has anxiety. Some days I wonder how to deal with my own issue. How in the world will a six year old deal with it? How will I help him deal with it? I watch him be timid with other people he does not know. I watch him feel bad about himself no matter what I tell him. I watch him shut people out because he is so afraid to be himself for fear of being judged. How do I make him feel better? I don't even know how to make myself feel better all of the time. I guess we will learn together. I hope that I can help him understand himself much sooner than I did. 

Kids Being Kids?

As I posted about earlier, my kids are with family for a few days for the first time. They are with my sister-in-law for my nephew's birthday today. She took the three of them to Chucke Cheese and out to lunch. So I talked to her a little bit ago when she tells me that my kids were arguing. Big surprise! They argue ALL the time. They are only 18 months apart and everything is a competition. So this time they were arguing over which one of them was more special in our family.So my sister-in-law promptly tells them that they are equally special. At which point my oldest starts whispering in my youngest's ear. He tells him that is not true. That he is more special and they are not equal! As I am listening to her tell me this my heart just sinks. 

My youngest son is a sweet boy who has very little confidence. It has been a big problem. He is always trying to measure up to his older brother and always feels like he falls short no matter what. No matter what we tell him. We can't figure it out. Now I am wondering if my oldest has been doing this? I am so angry with him right now. I just don't even know what to say. I am almost glad that I am not there. This is one of those times that it may be best if a little time passes before I talk to him about it. This kind of meanness is just unacceptable as far as I am concerned. I do not like it and it is not how they have been raised thus far. 

So I am telling my sister-in-law how I feel when she says "oh it's just kids being kids". Is this true? Is this how kids are with each other at some point? Is this how siblings are with each other? I was raised as an only child so I do not understand a lot of this sibling rivalry. My husband tries to explain it to me from time to time. So am I making too big a deal out of this? Is this just how brothers are? If it is I guess I am going to need some thicker skin.

The Train Wreck We Can't Stop Watching

                                                              The Don 


It is almost to the point that I have run out of ways to describe the cancerous tumor that is Donald Trump. Every day there is something new. Every day he has managed to be more disgusting than the day before. I pride myself on being an open-minded person. Someone who is willing to look at all sides before making my choice. I absolutely do not understand how anyone is supporting this man. Why? How do you convince yourself that he is a good man? That he is right for our country? What could possibly be going on in your head?

So here is a video where a woman with a baby is at his rallie. Her baby starts crying, smart baby. He tells her not to worry, it's fine. Then has her removed. Yet, I bet that woman will still vote for him.

http://www.nbcnews.com/card/trump-baby-get-out-here-jk-n621711?cid=sm_fb

A man, a supporter, went to Trump and handed him his purple heart. Wow! What a gesture. He gets on stage and makes a joke out of it.

http://www.nbcnews.com/politics/2016-election/trump-jokes-he-always-wanted-purple-heart-n621661?cid=sm_fb

One of his sons has been talking about sexual harassment. He thinks that women invite men to sexually harass them. He has been "invited" by women many times to sexually harass them. Trump must be so proud! He has raised his boys to be just as narcissistic and perverse as he is. Then during an hour long national security briefing he asks three times why we can't just use nuclear weapons? These are the kinds of things he will have more control over if voted into the White House.

http://www.dailykos.com/story/2016/8/3/1556180/-Trump-asked-3-times-in-an-hour-national-security-briefing-why-we-can-t-just-use-nuclear-weapons

                                                      VOTE BLUE!!

Mommy?....Tara!

It is 7 am and I am sitting here in complete silence. My children are gone for a few days with family. The first time ever. As I watched them drive away this morning all of the sudden all of these feelings came rushing to me. What if they needed me? What if Gavin got leg cramps? Would they know what to do to make him feel better? What if Aiden got scared at night? Would they know just how to cuddle him to make him feel better? I ran down the list of what if's for quite some time while putting on a happy carefree smile. As if I was totally fine with them leaving without us. Don't get me wrong, I completely trust the people they are with. However, through no fault of their own.... they are not me. That sounded a little conceded which I am not at all, but when it comes to being mommy I guess we all think that no one can kiss those boo boo's better than we can.

Ok.. so now that I got past that.... now what? Who am I when I am not "mommy"? I have no idea! I have been "mommy" for the past 8 1/2 years straight now. Before that I was 24 years old. I am definitely not that girl anymore. I honestly have no idea what I will do with my time today. The next two days I have errands to run...child free errands! My husband is working late tonight and then during the day tomorrow. So it will just be me....in the quiet. Boy it's quiet. Man I knew my kids were kind of loud, but wow. I had no idea lol. I am still unsure of what I will do today, but whatever it is... Tara will do it!

Chapters Of Parenthood

There I am. My first child is learning to walk and I am pregnant with our second child. My memories from that chapter are still so vivid. I can almost still feel it. I was working with Gavin to sleep in his own bed and for longer. With a new baby coming, I felt under the gun to get things in order and to get my first son where he should be. Not that I had much of a clue as to where that was. I was learning as I go, as I suspect most new mothers do. I remember being a little bit scared. I felt like I had just figured out what to do with Gavin. How was I going to take care of a 1 year old AND and infant? I barely survived Gavin as an infant and he was the only one. Gavin was very much a mama's boy. Now there would be an infant to hold and take care of. How would Gavin react? 

Aiden is here and now we are a family of four. Look at them, so peaceful. That never lasts long. My husband and I slept in shifts for at least six months. I would go to sleep early and my husband would stay up until around 3/4am and then I would get up. He would then lay down and sleep in late. Aiden slept, BUT he would start to wake up about every half hour and want to be rocked in his bed for a min. He did this ALL night long. I still preferred it to Gavin who had colic and only slept for 20mins a few times a day. He spent most of the rest of it screaming. I thought I would never sleep again! Gavin did pretty well with the new baby. He was curious and wanted to help. He was a bit angry with me though, but we got through it.

Fast forward about six months... Aiden is spirited and always wants to be on the go. While Gavin is starting to be a bit controlling and is always showing his brother what he can do. Thus starts Gavin's feeling of superiority and Aiden's feelings of always being picked on. The life long competition. 

One of my favorite photos. They now both walk and talk, whewwww. I am always running after them. Two kids in diapers at the same time, bottles and sippy cups, two toddlers at once. I did not have twins, but I felt like I did. They were a handful, a wonderful handful. 

Here were my babies last year. They were dressed and ready for a Christmas show at school! Wow! They grown up so fast. I love how big they are getting. They are becoming so independent. They get dressed, brush their teeth, get breakfast.... 

Here they are this summer. This year they will be in 2nd and 3rd grade! Just a few pictures ago they were babies who needed me fore everything. It is wonderful and scary all at once. Sometimes I think I will blink a few too many times and they will be grown and gone. Every time they get on my nerves I just think how I will miss this not long from now. They are growing into such wonderful little people. Smart, thoughtful, caring, independent young men. I am so proud of them. I love you boys... Here's to the next chapter!