What We Pass On

When I had children I knew that we would be passing on a piece of ourselves. I remember wondering what color eyes they would have? What color hair would they have? How tall would they be? Would they be smart? Would they be athletic or artistic?

I never thought about bad traits. I always thought about the good ones. The funny ones. The silly ones. I didn't think about passing on my neurosis. I never thought I would pass along my fears. I most definitely didn't think I would pass along my anxiety. I never thought about how I would deal with a pint sized version of my anxiety riddled self.

I find that my anxiety has grown over the years. When I was younger it was mostly just worrying all of the time. It was little OCD's that I did not always understand. I remember feeling like I must be crazy. I hid these things from people for so long. I was the strong one. I could not show anyone that I was not always so strong. That I worried about every little detail so much that it was crippling at times. Now as I get older all of the hiding has built up on me. It rears it's ugly head as I grocery shop with the kids. Or as I do the laundry. All of the sudden my heart is pounding and I am short of breath. Or maybe on nights when my husband is working late I sit waiting for him in the quiet. After the kids are in bed I sit and listen to every little sound wondering what it is. Then the worst scenario pops into my head and plays out like a movie.

Now my six year old little boy has anxiety. Some days I wonder how to deal with my own issue. How in the world will a six year old deal with it? How will I help him deal with it? I watch him be timid with other people he does not know. I watch him feel bad about himself no matter what I tell him. I watch him shut people out because he is so afraid to be himself for fear of being judged. How do I make him feel better? I don't even know how to make myself feel better all of the time. I guess we will learn together. I hope that I can help him understand himself much sooner than I did.